I've always loved the season of advent. I've loved the "idea" of celebrating the wait for our Savior. I never had to wait though. Yes, I have to wait for his returning as we all do. But, Jesus is with me now.
I've never been patient. I'm horrible at waiting. Chris and I laugh about this often as it seems Hutton has taken after me in that regard.
This year I've seen Advent differently. Honestly, I've never been farther from God during Advent than I have this year. I've been mad. Advent began with the gift of pregnancy. Then one short week later it was all gone. I didn't want to celebrate. I didn't want to worship. I was consumed with my sadness.
The prenatal vitamins were hidden in the back of the pantry. Huttons Big Brother t-shirt stuffed in a drawer. The dreams of a new baby were shattered.
One week later and I've gone through many emotions. It hasn't been pretty. I've heard my sweet husband talk about hope lately and just today it clicked.
For those that waited years for the Messiah- that was all they had. The HOPE that God would keep His promise. So this isn't the Advent I wanted, but I'm choosing to hold onto hope.
So this Advent, I joined a group of many many of my friends. A group I never wanted to join. Having a miscarriage has been one of the hardest moments of my life. But- while holding into hope- I have to stay thankful. Thankful that it was earlier rather than later. Thankful for the wonderful, silly, happy almost two year old boy God has given me the privilege of raising. Thankful for a supportive husband that sat on the couch with me and let me cry. Thankful that I don't have to wait for my Savior. Thankful that even when I'm far away, He is always close.
So this advent and Christmas is different. Maybe this year, through my own sadness and tear filled eyes- I see the meaning of Christmas that much clearer.