Fears

This morning I began my commute into work my mind consumed with all going on around me. It seemed like there have been so many storms lately for people. I've taken Facebook off my phone and slowed down on watching the news and other TV from being overwhelmed with all the bad. All the bad that was going into my head was causing me to have awful nightmares and wake up emotional. This morning though, my mind was consumed with the pain that a precious family I know is going through. Saturday I have a friend that was told her Daddy has cancer. Such a nasty word. I've tried to find words that I know haven't been enough but those words and prayers are all I have.

But, then this morning I was listening to music on my phone and the song "No Longer Slaves" from Bethel came on. Tears filled up my eyes as I realized that so much of our pain comes from fear. Fear of a diagnosis. Fear of the future. Fear of the unknown. We hold onto fear that keeps us captive. When Moses was leading the Israelites and they saw Pharaoh's soldiers coming after them with a sea in front of them they were full of fear. BUT GOD. Don't you love the BUT GOD points of our lives? They were full of fear but then as Bethel puts so eloquently - "You split the sea so I could walk right through it. My fears were drowned in perfect love."

For my sweet friend and her family - cancer is an ugly word - BUT GOD.

For my crazy self and my fears and nightmares and struggles - BUT GOD.

For sweet friends trying to have a baby but repeatedly take negative tests - BUT GOD.

BUT GOD split the sea. BUT GOD brought him back to life. BUT GOD rose from the dead.

Future Unclear

When we said "Yes" to God and started preparing to hit the road to move to Birmingham I knew we would have to trust in God for a lot of different things.

Trust that our home would rent - Check

Trust that Chris would find fulfillment in this job - Check

Trust that Chris would be accepted in this job - Check

Trust that we would find a place to live - Check

Trust that Hutton's new preschool would be a good fit - Check

Trust that we would make friends - In Process :)

Trust that I would find a job - ...

 

I started looking for new employment almost immediately. I had an idea of what I wanted but all within a broad spectrum. I knew the deepest desire of my heart was to work at a college. Especially in  a job that would allow me to work with students. Oh how I dreamed. But, overall it didn't have to be at a college- I wanted to still work with a student population. At least while I'm still young enough for them to think I'm "kinda cool". I have so many passions, could employment come in another different area? Dreams of store ownership seem far off. I've loved working for non-profits- I believe in working for an organization with a higher calling that I believe in.

 

Well, new employment didn't come and hasn't come. God blessed us by my old job offering to keep me on a part-time basis through the end of March. So that is what I'm currently doing. 2 days a week in Montgomery and work 1 day from home. I love this job- I would do this forever.

BUT....

I need full time work

I need to be in Birmingham full-time

 

So here I am, drawing dreadfully near March and the title of "unemployed." I have 3 job applications currently in with no new opportunities in sight.

So many different directions to look...

Do I just get a "job" because we need the income...

Do I look for a job in a totally different field...

Do I try to hold out for what I think my heart truly desires...
Does God have something else for me?

 

I know the key is to trust in God confident that He will provide.

I'm terrified.

I know Chris is terrified even though He won't say a word.

Pray. Listen. Pray. Listen.

Will you pray with me?

 

Worship Wednesday

I mentioned this song in my post yesterday. Chris Tomlin came out with a new album the other week and this awesome song, Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies) stands out as my fave so far. It's such a powerful song that Chris Tomlin wrote with Ed Cash. Listen, hope you enjoy and pray that whatever troubles you face this week you can stand knowing that God is by your side no matter what.

Below the video of the song is a video of Chris Tomlin sharing the background story from the song.

Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)

You hear me when I call
You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the light

Whom shall I fear

You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my sword and shield
Though troubles linger still

Whom shall I fear

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind me
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind me
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I'm holding on to Your promises

You are faithful
You are faithful
You are faithful

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind me
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

The God of angel armies
is always by my side

 

Moving Forward

In Montgomery, I led a small group of high schools girls that are now Seniors. For years now I've been talking to them about moving forward. With this group it is a subject that never dies. Moving forward into new situations. Moving forward past old mistakes. Moving forward with youth group changes. I've been talking about it for years. What I haven't done is do it myself.

I've been holding myself back from moving forward in my own life. I desperately want to get involved at our new church. Truth: Sometimes I feel like an insecure middle schooler. Will they like me? Do I dress like them? Do they even want a new friend?

I've been going back and forth about going to this mom's devotional group on Wednesday mornings. I work part-time for now. This may be one of my only opportunities to attend a stay at home mom type devotional group for a while. Fear creeps in: Have they already all bonded? Do they all know eachother already?

I love teenagers. I love investing in high school girls. I find the most fulfillment in it, it brings me the most joy. Fear keeps on creeping: Will my story matter to them? Will they accept me as my past girls did?

Yesterday I sat at church and listened to our Pastor talk about how we have to live and trust God or we may miss out on something BIG He has for us.

I listened to my husband singing about how we have no one to fear for the God of angel armies is on OUR SIDE.

Through these words I heard God whispering in my ear to "Let Go." He's not asking me to forget. He's not asking me to replace friends or my sweet small group girls. He's asking me to move forward. To trust that He brought us to Vestavia for a reason. He brought not just Chris but ME to Vestavia for a reason. He has more for me in this place than to just be Hutton's Mommy and Chris' wife.

Thank you Lord that you want to use a person full of faults to share your love.